you don’t need to give social advise to a neurotypical person

Supremely disagree.

Here’s a podcast episode I’ve heard today to illustrate the example of just how bad most “neurotypical” can be with simple social interactions:

Hidden Brain: We Need to Talk

Episode webpage: https://hiddenbrain.org/podcast/we-need-to-talk/

Media file: https://dts.podtrac.com/redirect.mp3/tracking.swap.fm/track/0bDcdoop59bdTYSfajQW/stitcher.simplecastaudio.com/df179a36-a022-41e3-bf7c-b7a4efc6f51e/episodes/1f69dbf5-87e8-41ec-8014-f494020218d4/audio/128/default.mp3?aid=rss_feed&awCollectionId=df179a36-a022-41e3-bf7c-b7a4efc6f51e&awEpisodeId=1f69dbf5-87e8-41ec-8014-f494020218d4&feed=kwWc0lhf

It is ALWAYS bad advice. “Be yourself” is the most pointless thing to say to anyone. It doesn’t help the recipient at all. Same for “be a better person”. You could say “be genuine” and that would be slightly more helpful.

From my background in education: under-performers tend to be poor judges of their position, tend to have no idea what good performance looks like or how to get there, and tend to surround themselves with similar under-performers. So someone who is underperforming in a social role (making friends, fitting into their work place, dating, etc) needs a lot more focused and good quality feedback.

Pass the bleach eyedropper after you’re done with it please.

That was my first mistake that I still haven’t financially recovered from.

The internet had niche use for enthusiast nerds. An internet connected handheld device was the game changer.

There are a million possibilities and no single right answer. Strangers on the internet are not going to be able to tell you. Strangers on the internet certainly don’t know the dynamic between the two of you.

Write down the possibilities (you’ve mentioned some in your post). Think of what seems fair to you. Show her the possibilities and talk about it and agree something.

My wife came from a family that considered it the man’s duty to pay for everything and that women have to protect themselves from exploitation by guarding their own money. Conversations about sharing expenses were very unwelcome and showing love meant spending a lot on luxury gifts. She used to earn a third of what i did and had more disposable income than me since bills left me with little disposable. You could end up with 2 people at different levels of affluence in the same house if you are very defensive and financially isolationist. It’s taken a long time to change that to a collaboration to work through life together with shared resources.

The most “scientific” way in a full commitment would be to put an equal % of both salaries into a “bills” account, then put how much you both want to save into a savings account and then divide the leftover disposable equally between yourselves.

Or if you’re too early to be fully committed then you can start with continuing to pay for everything or ask her for a flat amount contribution.

Just know that money is one of the biggest sources of friction on a relationship and most people at not on the same page. It takes work and talking to get to the same page (that means talking to her… Not us).

excess mold

The “excess mold” beyond the level of normal acceptable mold.

This is some real boomer shit.

Almost everything is pretend though, unless we’re talking about the basic laws of science (and even those change with context).

Language is “pretend”. Words don’t mean anything unless we all agree they mean something.

Valuing family is “pretend”. We all agree to give family importance, but plenty of animals don’t.

All laws are pretend. Country borders are pretend. Gender roles are pretend. Social position is pretend. Even my job is only my job because everyone agrees to give me responsibility in this role. Pretty much everything in society only works because of tacit agreement.

This is such an insightful way to articulate the issue. The conversation mostly revolves around individuals (“men are bad”). This is one of the few times that men are talked about in a way that acknowledges the system at play, that they are a product of an environment and society that has shaped them a certain way.

I’ve lost the podcast source that talked about “there is no good way to be a man currently”. Even for someone who wants to be a better man, there aren’t role models or celebrations of " good manliness". There’s no positive road map, only a list of “don’ts” and stereotypes to avoid.