1. Your dad cheated on your mum, not on you.

2. Everything involving humans is more complex and complicated than it might seem at first glance.

3. Everybody makes mistakes, even your loved ones.

4. You only have one dad, so it’s better to forgive them. (I didn’t forgive mine for other mistakes, and that was my mistake. Now I’m old and he is dead and that’s that.)

5. Your mum is being selfish and manipulative because she is afraid and hurting. It’s not right what she is doing, but see the points above for her as well.

6. Life is hard and unfair and difficult for everybody. For your dad, for your mum and also for you. It sucks when you’re stuck in the middle of other people’s problems, but remember all of this will pass. And remember to take care of yourself.

Hugs my dude. You’ll get through this and so will they.

Edit: 7. Time. Let things take time. Don’t rush what you feel or what you should feel. Don’t go overthinking everything. Things that are complicated need time to settle.

Your Mom is hurting and lashing out.

You don’t need to fight her battles for her. But you can support her by spending time with her. If she doesn’t appreciate that, you can stop.

The demand for no contact is extreme and controlling behaviour and not something I would agree with based on the information provided.

Marriage breakdowns happen, by itself that isn’t a reason to ruin a parent-child relationship.

Mate, first off he’s not your best friend.

Could anyone here imagine if their friends did something so horrible to their mother that they caused her to break down upset? I wouldn’t fucking go hang out with them afterwards, like fuck he’s your friend.

He is your father, and apparently a terrible one if this is the life lessons he wants to impart on his son that it’s okay to be an immature fuck and cheat over get a divorce.

Cutting him off 100% doesn’t sound right, but you have clearly chosen his side and to stand by him despite how wrong it is — you’re going to have to work hard to make up for your poor choice.

Your choices, as you’ve presented them, are so extreme. Cut your dad off forever and move out, or… do nothing?

Let’s set your mom’s demands aside for a second. Do you have any reaction to him cheating on his wife? How do you feel about that?

You should act based on how you feel about it. And if your mom is incredibly wounded by it, that can absolutely be a factor in how you feel. “Wow dad you really hurt mom. That sucks.”

I’d think that cheating on your mom should have SOME effect on you. You say your relationship with Dad hasn’t changed. Is that true? Or is it only true in comparison to your mom’s extreme demands?

Basically, stop playing this like it’s all black or all white and realize that you have a million ways to react to this situation that are in the middle somewhere.

You’re not a bad person for not moving out immediately. You actually might be a bad person if you have absolutely no problem with the cheating. But you can disapprove of the cheating and still have a good relationship with your dad.

I’ll tell you right now that your Dad has rediscovered sex after aging a bunch and perhaps feeling like he’d never experience it again. That is a powerful experience for him and he won’t easily cast it aside. If you value your relationship with him, I wouldn’t try to take that away from him. He’ll react like a dog when you try to take away the steak it’s eating.

But you can disapprove of the cheating and still have a good relationship with your dad. That seemed worth saying twice. He should listen to you if you think it was wrong. He should listen to you if you are upset that he hurt your mom.

If you really just absolutely don’t care about your mother or the cheating… I don’t know what to say about that. It seems pretty cold and inhuman.

OP you have given us way little information. How was your parents marriage before this blow up? Were you not close with your mother before? You mention you are close with your father but nothing about mother. Also were you upset or angry by the actions of your father? From the information you have shared (that you are staying with your dad and his mistress), it seems that you are not bothered by what is happening.

Now based on the limited information you have given, your father is clearly the guilty party here. He did something that is morally wrong. Hopefully you understand that. Your mom is very hurt and must feeling betrayed (slightly even by you because you chose to stay with your dad and his mistress). In that emotional state, she is making a unreasonable request to you (to go no contact with your dad). If you want a good relationship with mom, you will have sit down with her and reach an understanding and compromise with her. Maybe you can go to therapy with her like some other commenters suggested. One thing I am sure about is that if you side with father on everything, you will end up estranged from your mom.

You should do whatever you want to. Don’t let your mother guilt trip you into cutting off a family member due to beef she has with him (regardless of whether it’s justified).

It’s frustrating to hear about parents treating their children like pawns in a break-up. I can see the temptation but it’s extremely unfair. Regardless of what people will tell you on lemmy/reddit losing contact with a parent is not a normal thing, even if some people have cut off their family members in extreme circumstances.

My dad tried this same trick and wanted to influence my relationship with my mom (who had an affair). I told him I understand his feelings but that he could never talk that way to me again or I would cut him out of my life immediately. This is my mom you’re talking about.

I can’t have other folks then myself decide who I interact with. It’s not like I’m taking sides or feel great about her actions, but I wasn’t gonna stop seeing her because it hurts someone else.

I never was that direct with my parents before, but it felt like if that line would be crossed it would all come crumbling down.

No. Your mom is hurt, and probably feeling betrayed from multiple fronts. First from her husband having the affair, and now from you choosing to stay with him. But that doesn’t make her words accurate, nor does it make them acceptable.

She actually needs to be really careful in how she brooches the subject going forward, because this is a clear cut attempt at parental alienation. It’s a big issue in divorce proceedings; If one parent tries to alienate the child(ren) from the other, then the courts can step in and use that against the offending parent in the divorce.

Basically, courts recognize that divorce brings out the worst in people, and they don’t want children being caught in the middle or used as weapons/leverage. If it gets too bad, the court will even appoint a lawyer specifically for you/any siblings, whose entire focus is on your wellbeing. Because the court basically recognizes that during divorce, chances are very good that the parents will act out of spite instead of the child(ren)’s best interest. So to protect the kids, the court essentially appoints a lawyer to represent the kids.

That lawyer isn’t focused on which parent gets the bigger slice of the assets, or who pays alimony, except to determine how that would affect your living conditions. All that lawyer does is fight for your best interest. And when it comes time to decide who you stay with, your opinion does factor into it. They’ll weigh your opinion more heavily if you’re older, but it does play a large part in who ends up being your primary guardian.

Your dad had an affair, and torched the relationship your parents had. That sucks. But you’re not a bad person for wanting to stay with him regardless. Your mom needs to do some soul searching, and rethink how she talks about your dad in front of you in the future.

My dad was an addict and had multiple affairs. My mom never even told me about them until I was much older, and she did everything in her power to avoid talking shit, because she wanted to keep him in my life. The court wanted to totally end his custody, but she fought for supervised visits instead. Because she recognized that if I wanted to end my relationship with him, it should be my choice, not hers. And I respect the hell out of her for that. Because it meant that when I finally decided to cut contact, it was for my own reasons.

Don’t let her use you as leverage.

Most of the advice here has been good, apart from one person a few dicks who have an overly simplistic view of the world and think they have some moral authority

You don’t know the details of your parents’ relationship. You don’t know how they behaved when you weren’t there

Life is never black-and-white. This isn’t condoning cheating, it’s an acknowledgement that it’s very simple to say what’s right and wrong when you are on the outside

What’s shit is that you are being put in the middle

The problem is between your mother and father and neither of them should expect you to take a side, but once again, life is messy and hurt people do things in their anger and frustration that aren’t rational or reasonable

Time definitely helps, and things can take years to settle, if they ever do

It’s unfair for you to be used as a pawn in their game. People who make demands and try to squeeze you with a “you’re with me, or you’re against me” aren’t looking out for you, they’re looking out for themselves

No child should be weaponised.

If you can handle the conflict, or potentially messy details, you can ask her why she expects you to abandon your father. She might come to realise what an unfair position she’s putting you in

Either way, good luck, and remember that it’s easy to judge, but there’s a lot of truth in the old saying about walking a mile in someone else’s shoes

Kia kaha

I think you should consider your mom is very hurt right now and my be overreacting by pulling you into the fight because of that. However, a cheater isn’t a good role model and neither is the destroyer of marriages. She got that right.

IMO you should suggest a compromise, like staying with him, but berating him and his mistress from time to time and should also be transparent about it, so they know it’s due punishment and a compromise for not leaving him.

You’re fine. Your mom has legitimate pain but she’s no right to pressure you to end your relationship with your dad.

Okay so… your dad is unequivocally a piece of shit. You said he’s like your best friend, but are you okay with your best friend being a piece of shit? There need to be social consequences for being an unapologetic piece of shit (which one would need to be to have an affair with their personal assistant and then move in with her). Just business as usual isn’t gonna cut it (think if instead of cheating he’d come out as a Nazi) and you would be condoning his actions if there aren’t negative consequences of some form for this fiasco, though how much you escalate is up to you.

Edit: I have to say, the attitudes some of y’all have about parent-child relationships range from ungrateful to absolutely deplorable. Like, seriously if I heard “it’s the parent’s job to emotionally support their children, not the other way around” from someone in real life I wouldn’t let that person within five miles within anyone I care about.

A good mother will prioritize the wellbeing of her children over winning a conflict with her (ex) partner. It is completely unfair of her to ask you to pick a side or go no contact with your father. Hopefully she’ll realize this once she’s had some time to process her (understandable) emotions. In the mean time, best of luck to you!

NGL, IMO your dad sounds like kind of a piece of shit (based on the limited information available to me). However, at the end of the day he is still your father and it’s not your job to punish him for that. That’s your mother’s lawyer’s job.

Be there for your mother if you feel up to it (and you love her), but keep in mind that it’s a parent’s job to emotionally support their children, not the other way around.