My dad has recently been caught having an affair with his young personal assistant. Huge scandal; mom was very angry. Now they’re in the middle of divorce proceedings. Mom moved out, the other woman moved in and I chose to stay with him because we’re super close; he’s like my best friend. Now mom’s telling me to go and live with her and go no contact with him cause he’s a bad person and by continuing having a relationship with him I’m condoning his actions and “ignoring her suffering”. My relationship with my dad hasn’t changed, I don’t see why I should end it.
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Your dad cheated on your mum, not on you.
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Everything involving humans is more complex and complicated than it might seem at first glance.
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Everybody makes mistakes, even your loved ones.
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You only have one dad, so it’s better to forgive them. (I didn’t forgive mine for other mistakes, and that was my mistake. Now I’m old and he is dead and that’s that.)
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Your mum is being selfish and manipulative because she is afraid and hurting. It’s not right what she is doing, but see the points above for her as well.
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Life is hard and unfair and difficult for everybody. For your dad, for your mum and also for you. It sucks when you’re stuck in the middle of other people’s problems, but remember all of this will pass. And remember to take care of yourself.
Hugs my dude. You’ll get through this and so will they.
Edit: 7. Time. Let things take time. Don’t rush what you feel or what you should feel. Don’t go overthinking everything. Things that are complicated need time to settle.
There’s a bit of difference between making a mistake and stabbing your partner in the back. He could have done it the right way, but he chose to do one of the most emotional hurtful things you can do.
He betrayed family to get laid
Point number 2. Read it again.
As of why, we can only speculate. Sometimes a disaster is what is required to get things happening that should have been over a long time ago.
They are living together already, so it was not only to get laid.
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Exactly. She moved in after. You are absolutely correct. 10/10 reading comprehension.
It would be unusual if she moved in before the ex wife moved out.
Nah, I messed up on that one. I’ll say that one.
Whoops. Just another mistake
So you’re a hypocrite? Is that really that much better?
No, I misread the final sentence. I still agree with everything I said, it was just slightly out of context so I withdrew it
But go off just being a dick
Maybe read your own point 2 again…
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My dad has recently been caught having an affair with his young personal assistant… Mom moved out, the other woman moved in
Staying makes it pretty clear OP is choosing a side. Theyd rather have a cool friend dad than an actual parent
Edit: not only was dad willing to blow up his family to get his dick wet, but he’s also cool with abusing his power for said reason
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Nah. I’ll keep my family values
You can go have fun blowing up a family and chalk it up to “whoops. Just another mistake”
If you are this allergic to nuance, I recommend staying away from threads that require logical/rational breakdowns of heavily-emotional topics.
You can’t just jump the gun (having fun blowing up families) about someone just because they answered OOPs question in an impartial manner.
So if you seriously cannot engage with this topic without resuming to attacks, I implore you to take a step back, reasess, and move on to something else.
Nah. Im allowed to do whatever I want.
And I want to call out people for excusing an affair. The dad could have done it the right way, like an actual adult. Asking for a divorce is hard, but immeasurably easier emotionally to the person you make a commitment to than sneaking around and finally getting caught WITH YOUR ASSISTANT
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I’m curious to learn what you think about your username in this context? What crime are you partner in and is it only breaking a partnership that is an unforgivable crime?
Are you a whale, Ross?
There are no ‘sides’.
Maybe not in a perfect world. But here there are clearly very opposing sides.
Even if the dad is cool about it and makes it seem like choosing to stay with him isn’t picking a side, it still is
My recommendation is not to side with the guy who not only had an affair but invited Ms side peice to live in their old family home
Between an immoral piece of sh and a person who was dedicated and believed they weren’t yes there are sides.
Father isn’t just committing an act of betrayal, which he does to the person he loves, so op will definitely also be fair game for betrayal, father is also abusing his seat of power over his very young employee which is called coertion or quid pro quo and is UNACCEPTABLE. The fact OP could look into the eyes of a man who would betray him without a second thought is just cope.
Eventually it will sink in how horrific this was and op I am sure being moral themselves hopefully will take moms side.
Normal to go through a period of shock or denial before it sinks in.
I agree with almost everything you said except 4. is only true for past mistakes. I don’t think you should excuse ongoing, genuinely harmful behaviours just because that person will be gone one day. Not that I necessarily think that’s what you meant but I wanted to emphasise it.
Absolutely. That post was not a list of commandments. It was intended as support for OP in this very moment that they are having a crisis.
I mostly agree with this comment. I want to emphasize two things:
- Your mom is now alone, and probably feels like you are choosing him instead of her. She must feel very rejected as a person, betrayal is not something you easily recover from, the more time they spent together, the harder it is to separate yourself from the situation. She will eventually get better, but take into consideration that she is desperate now.
- Depending on how old are you, I would suggest leaving your house, either to go with your mom (see above) or living alone/with roomates if you are an adult. Your dad bringing the woman to your house raises some big red flags to me. Something is not right there, I can’t quite put my finger on what it is.
That said, don’t cut your dad out of your life, but your mom is alone and betrayed, and your dad isn’t. If I were to support someone here, would be her, without cutting anyone from your life.
Honestly, I’m very happy that your post has the highest score.
All other people are spewing vitriol over either parent and not even trying to be understanding. Life is about making and learning from mistakes, and mistakes can be oh-so-horrible at times. Character value is measured by how well you navigate the stormy waves, and there’s almost never a single correct choice.
One choice is helping a faithful parent grieve, the other is to say fuck you to that person and stand by a cheater.
Such a difficult choice.
Have you considered the fact that one is a woman? Clearly it is all our fault.
Oh wait? This isn’t about 2 gay men so its equal?
Ahhh. Yeah. Its all her fault. I understand OPs dilemma now
Edit: /s
Thanks. Yeah, anything relationship oriented tends to become completely and binary moral high ground burn all bridges and salt the earth from people that have no stake in it except to have a short moment of hormones pumping before they scroll to the next bit of entertainment.
This is a wise response.
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Your Mom is hurting and lashing out.
You don’t need to fight her battles for her. But you can support her by spending time with her. If she doesn’t appreciate that, you can stop.
Your choices, as you’ve presented them, are so extreme. Cut your dad off forever and move out, or… do nothing?
Let’s set your mom’s demands aside for a second. Do you have any reaction to him cheating on his wife? How do you feel about that?
You should act based on how you feel about it. And if your mom is incredibly wounded by it, that can absolutely be a factor in how you feel. “Wow dad you really hurt mom. That sucks.”
I’d think that cheating on your mom should have SOME effect on you. You say your relationship with Dad hasn’t changed. Is that true? Or is it only true in comparison to your mom’s extreme demands?
Basically, stop playing this like it’s all black or all white and realize that you have a million ways to react to this situation that are in the middle somewhere.
You’re not a bad person for not moving out immediately. You actually might be a bad person if you have absolutely no problem with the cheating. But you can disapprove of the cheating and still have a good relationship with your dad.
I’ll tell you right now that your Dad has rediscovered sex after aging a bunch and perhaps feeling like he’d never experience it again. That is a powerful experience for him and he won’t easily cast it aside. If you value your relationship with him, I wouldn’t try to take that away from him. He’ll react like a dog when you try to take away the steak it’s eating.
But you can disapprove of the cheating and still have a good relationship with your dad. That seemed worth saying twice. He should listen to you if you think it was wrong. He should listen to you if you are upset that he hurt your mom.
If you really just absolutely don’t care about your mother or the cheating… I don’t know what to say about that. It seems pretty cold and inhuman.
The demand for no contact is extreme and controlling behaviour and not something I would agree with based on the information provided.
Marriage breakdowns happen, by itself that isn’t a reason to ruin a parent-child relationship.
Yeah i can see wanting to do it of your own volition, my brother went the same way, but having one parent ask that of you is something else.
It’s extreme if it continues. Lashing out emotionally in response to being hurt isnt that crazy.
No. Your mom is hurt, and probably feeling betrayed from multiple fronts. First from her husband having the affair, and now from you choosing to stay with him. But that doesn’t make her words accurate, nor does it make them acceptable.
She actually needs to be really careful in how she brooches the subject going forward, because this is a clear cut attempt at parental alienation. It’s a big issue in divorce proceedings; If one parent tries to alienate the child(ren) from the other, then the courts can step in and use that against the offending parent in the divorce.
Basically, courts recognize that divorce brings out the worst in people, and they don’t want children being caught in the middle or used as weapons/leverage. If it gets too bad, the court will even appoint a lawyer specifically for you/any siblings, whose entire focus is on your wellbeing. Because the court basically recognizes that during divorce, chances are very good that the parents will act out of spite instead of the child(ren)’s best interest. So to protect the kids, the court essentially appoints a lawyer to represent the kids.
That lawyer isn’t focused on which parent gets the bigger slice of the assets, or who pays alimony, except to determine how that would affect your living conditions. All that lawyer does is fight for your best interest. And when it comes time to decide who you stay with, your opinion does factor into it. They’ll weigh your opinion more heavily if you’re older, but it does play a large part in who ends up being your primary guardian.
Your dad had an affair, and torched the relationship your parents had. That sucks. But you’re not a bad person for wanting to stay with him regardless. Your mom needs to do some soul searching, and rethink how she talks about your dad in front of you in the future.
My dad was an addict and had multiple affairs. My mom never even told me about them until I was much older, and she did everything in her power to avoid talking shit, because she wanted to keep him in my life. The court wanted to totally end his custody, but she fought for supervised visits instead. Because she recognized that if I wanted to end my relationship with him, it should be my choice, not hers. And I respect the hell out of her for that. Because it meant that when I finally decided to cut contact, it was for my own reasons.
What a dope mom, congrats
OP you have given us way little information. How was your parents marriage before this blow up? Were you not close with your mother before? You mention you are close with your father but nothing about mother. Also were you upset or angry by the actions of your father? From the information you have shared (that you are staying with your dad and his mistress), it seems that you are not bothered by what is happening.
Now based on the limited information you have given, your father is clearly the guilty party here. He did something that is morally wrong. Hopefully you understand that. Your mom is very hurt and must feeling betrayed (slightly even by you because you chose to stay with your dad and his mistress). In that emotional state, she is making a unreasonable request to you (to go no contact with your dad). If you want a good relationship with mom, you will have sit down with her and reach an understanding and compromise with her. Maybe you can go to therapy with her like some other commenters suggested. One thing I am sure about is that if you side with father on everything, you will end up estranged from your mom.
Their marriage was always hot and cold. I never had a great relationship with my mom. She’s a very judgemental/cold person. She hated my feminine behaviour/preferences growing up and still does and used to berate me for that. She didn’t support me when I came out as gay. My dad always supported me. In a way, I’m glad their marriage finally broke down. Life at home is so nice and peaceful now without her around.
Stick to your guns OP. People here are judging your Dad for cheating, but it sounds like your Mom has been actively alienating everyone around her for years. People who make life difficult for those around them will eventually find themselves alone. People eventually stop dealing with their bullshit, and move on in life. It sounds like you and your Dad decided to move in a less stressful, more fulfilling direction. He found love, and you found peace, while your Mom wants to continue sowing discord, drama, and chaos in your lives. I don’t blame you for rejecting her efforts, and choosing peace.
No, no, he cheated. If only he was open with it, it would be okay. But this is disgusting instead. Rather a honest asshole than an eye servant. Eventually, with this attitude you will succumb to stress and fall apart. Be honest instead. Before then, you can’t even work on not being an asshole.
I don’t fully agree with you, we don’t have enough details. From what i’ve read mom could have been abusive towards dad (at least emotionally), and that makes doing everything in the open pretty scary. I’d forgive someone who cheated to get out of an abusive situation.
Yes, you are correct but it seems very unlikely that he ran to his young assistant for help instead of some other trustee and then got in a secret relationship by accident.
Sounds like this is a no brainer to me. I’m a step parent to a brilliant kid who’s father is a complete narcissist, and I’ll tell you this, if a parent tells you to dislike the other parent, don’t trust them without evidence. Make your own decision, and listen to the parent that let’s you make it. A caveat is that a better parent probably won’t tell you all of the bad things they’ve had to deal with, and it’s important to remember that everyone is human and makes mistakes.
It’s ok to have a relationship with both parents, and it sounds like you know which parent to trust. That doesn’t mean you need to cut your mom out of your life, you just get to have a different kind of relationship with her. I’m a fan of honesty, if either parent does something you don’t like, tell them so and ask them to stop. If they won’t, you’ve got a real good answer as to who you want to spend your time with.
She hated my feminine behaviour/preferences growing up and still does and used to berate me for that. She didn’t support me when I came out as gay.
So she never accepted you as you are and didn’t support you when you needed her most? Your dad’s no saint, but if I were in your position, I’d sooner end contact with my mother than my father.
Well if the that is case, there is no reason to compromise to have a relationship with your mom. Being with your dad is the way better option for you (since he loves you and you love him) and maybe it is the best option for everybody involved.
Still I hope you understand that at some level what your dad did was morally wrong. Irrespective how crappy things were, the correct order would have been to seek divorce before hooking up/dating somebody else. Learn from the mistake he made.
I’m very sorry to hear you’re going through this. I’m glad you have a father who accepts you for who you are.
What I realized way too late is that my parents are human and humans are inherently stupid. They got their fucked up understanding of how relationships should work from their fucked up parents. You are an adult and you can make your own independent decisions, don’t let anyone power play you into feeling like an obedient child.
Some people are only meant to be together for so long and if the outcome of that relationship is you then it was worth it? Now move on and do something you like
Your mom needs therapy
Mate, first off he’s not your best friend.
Could anyone here imagine if their friends did something so horrible to their mother that they caused her to break down upset? I wouldn’t fucking go hang out with them afterwards, like fuck he’s your friend.
He is your father, and apparently a terrible one if this is the life lessons he wants to impart on his son that it’s okay to be an immature fuck and cheat over get a divorce.
Cutting him off 100% doesn’t sound right, but you have clearly chosen his side and to stand by him despite how wrong it is — you’re going to have to work hard to make up for your poor choice.
You can’t immediately call dad a horrible person. We only know one side of the story. Maybe mom was cheating too? Maybe mom was abusive? Maybe this marriage was over years ago and they stayed together for the kid?
He needs to tell each parent he’s not taking sides and loves them both. People make mistakes and can be forgiven.
This person likes victim blaming
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Why are you suddenly deciding that being with his father is a bad choice? We literally know nothing about whether he’s a good dad- it is possible to be a good parent and provider and a bad husband. No matter what happens in his parents relationship, both will still be his parents and it’s the parents’ job to sort it out. What we do know here is that his mom is absolutely a red flag- you do NOT manipulate your children into taking sides in a divorce. The parents should be there to support their children and not the other way around.
You should do whatever you want to. Don’t let your mother guilt trip you into cutting off a family member due to beef she has with him (regardless of whether it’s justified).
It’s frustrating to hear about parents treating their children like pawns in a break-up. I can see the temptation but it’s extremely unfair. Regardless of what people will tell you on lemmy/reddit losing contact with a parent is not a normal thing, even if some people have cut off their family members in extreme circumstances.
You’re fine. Your mom has legitimate pain but she’s no right to pressure you to end your relationship with your dad.
My dad tried this same trick and wanted to influence my relationship with my mom (who had an affair). I told him I understand his feelings but that he could never talk that way to me again or I would cut him out of my life immediately. This is my mom you’re talking about.
I can’t have other folks then myself decide who I interact with. It’s not like I’m taking sides or feel great about her actions, but I wasn’t gonna stop seeing her because it hurts someone else.
I never was that direct with my parents before, but it felt like if that line would be crossed it would all come crumbling down.
I have very very little respect for people who cheat in a marriage instead of getting out; but it is clearly not your mom’s choice to make.
If you’re closer to your dad, then stay with him. Explain to your mom that you’re not trying to attack her, but choosing your own well-being first (as you should).
Your mom shouldn’t use you in the fight with your dad. This is something which happens often, but ends up traumatizing the child.
No matter the fight they have, they should always be there for you as a parent and leave their stuff between them. You are not a pawn, you’re their kid. She’s your mother, he’s your father and nothing is going to change that.
I think you should consider your mom is very hurt right now and my be overreacting by pulling you into the fight because of that. However, a cheater isn’t a good role model and neither is the destroyer of marriages. She got that right.
IMO you should suggest a compromise, like staying with him, but berating him and his mistress from time to time and should also be transparent about it, so they know it’s due punishment and a compromise for not leaving him.
I don’t think it’s wrong for you to want a relationship with your dad, but it is weird that you kind of brush over the cheating. Your father had an affair, does that not affect you? You don’t even look at him a little different? Do you not understand why your mom is lashing out or why she’s as hurt as she is? Again, I do not think her request is reasonable, but this woman, from what I’m getting from the post, was cheated on, publicly enough that it was a big scandal, lost her husband, her home, and her son. While everyone is having a great time with the mistress, she’s seemingly alone with no one in her corner telling her how what she went through was hurtful and offering her some comfort. You’re like, “he’s my best friend, so I don’t really care, him cheating on my mother didn’t change anything to me, it’s not like he cheated on me.”
Relationships are complicated. I don’t know what your relationship with your mom is, but if she wasn’t abusive and you do have some affection for her (even if she isn’t your best friend), I would talk to her. Both of you should explain how you’re feeling. Maybe she wants you with her because she thinks you like being around her as much as she likes being around you, maybe she thinks you two are closer than you actually are, or maybe she’s nuts and is making one final attempt to control. But your mom as seemingly lost everything important to her by putting her foot down against cheating while everyone is like, “finally, she’s gone. Just swap her out with a younger version.” I don’t know a lot of people who wouldn’t be hurt by that.
Don’t let her use you as leverage.
